Seriously, why though?
If I’d get an opportunity to checkout of my current life, what would be my conditions to do that?
It’s going to be great. No, really. I do absolutely look forward to this.
Checking out the first apartment tomorrow. Less because I want it, but more so that I started the whole process.
I had a bad hit of nostalgia. Still have, to be honest. And while I am at it, it’s likely to be the main source of my current state of mind. But, that’s not what’s keeping me currently awake. – Ok, not solely.
For the last months, weekends have been bad. Either Saturday or Sunday or both, at one point I would be a mess. And while weekends are bad, holidays are far worse. I don’t know much to do with and by myself and get in a bad loop thinking about it. What helps me a bit, is going for a drive and listen to music. So I spend a good part of the weekend on the road. Getting my mind off of my current situation for some time is the point.
And while I think that is kinda ok for your normal Saturday or Sunday, this won’t do for one or more weeks of holidays. Last summer was terrible. Last Christmas and New Year nothing better.
So I’m thinking about making some changes. Which means, that I have to make some plans for my next holidays. And while I do have ideas what I could do, I am far from feeling ok with them.
Given the fact that I’m awfully anxious and introvert and insecure around people I don’t know and in situations new to me, leaving my familiar environment for more than 3 or 4 days seems a bit much.
Nevertheless, here I am. Pondering the idea of a 2 weeks long solo roadtrip through Norway and Sweden. Could be awesome. But it could very well become a desaster. Not physically, but mentally.
I have the urging feeling that I have to go. To leave. – And I fear exactly that.
Also. It’s very likely that if I don’t get my shit together I will be stuck here for another summer. And that might actually have a worse impact on my mind than two weeks abroad on my own.
tired, frustrated, stressed, disappointed
I thought a lot about the last few years. Things we did. Things we didn’t. Ups and downs. I like to think that there were a lot more ups than downs. If not, I will keep pretending so. I have to.
But the downs and the things we didn’t do remain. The things I didn’t want to.
I tried to write up some reasoning for this or that. What I think kept me busy years ago. What challenges I take or evade. And why I do so. Or why I would like to believe I do.
I keep writing this in my head for a few weeks now. And rewriting it over and over again. Slowly, I think, I start to understand. It settles in.
I’m an idiot.