I wish I had a perspective, an idea. Instead, I go on for the sake of going on.
I don’t like my weekends. And I dread every following week.
I get to sleep a lot, which is fine. But it also prevents me from doing anything else I might actually enjoy. It’s not that I don’t need the sleep, I absolutely do. But I can’t make any plans while I might fall asleep any minute. There already were multiple possibilities for disaster.
Still. I’m here writing this while I listen to a video instead of going to sleep. This is the most stupid thing, but sleeping only brings tomorrow faster. And I really do not want it to be tomorrow. If I could stop time, I would.
I got a bunch of old photos from my childhood and was kind of looking through them. Why that only brought unhappy feelings, I don’t understand.
I don’t like where I’m at right now and I wonder what I should have done and do now to be in a better spot.
I’m weary. And sometimes I’m tired of trying.
If I’d get an opportunity to checkout of my current life, what would be my conditions to do that?
I thought a lot about the last few years. Things we did. Things we didn’t. Ups and downs. I like to think that there were a lot more ups than downs. If not, I will keep pretending so. I have to.
But the downs and the things we didn’t do remain. The things I didn’t want to.
I tried to write up some reasoning for this or that. What I think kept me busy years ago. What challenges I take or evade. And why I do so. Or why I would like to believe I do.
I keep writing this in my head for a few weeks now. And rewriting it over and over again. Slowly, I think, I start to understand. It settles in.
I’m an idiot.
A home where I feel at home.